On friendship

I am going to summarize what I hear and learnt from friendship from church camp and reading relationship book on friendship. First of all, there is this model of friendship list from a book called The Relationship Revolution by Nigel D. Polluck.

• mutual commitment

I think this is common. Friends do commit to each other.

• sacrificial love

From 1 Samuel in the Bible, it is the friendship from Jonathan and David. Jonathan's dad tried to kill David and Jonathan was almost killed because he was protecting David from his father.
I was thinking, in this kind of world now, no one would do that kind of thing because it is not the norm. People would think you are crazy and start thinking if gay or lesbian. *shakes head* Such a world.
From my point of view, friendships nowadays are just friends hanging out and helping each other out. I bet there is no such thing as sacrificial love between friends. I mean, if I ask you to die for your friend or friends, would you want to do that?

• openness and honesty

Honesty is a hallmark of real friendship. Friends do not pretend about themselves or others do not desire or need to cover up their struggles or failings. -Nigel D. Polluck-
You do have to be open and honest to your friends. If you are not sure if you can trust the friends you are with, don't open too much. But be honest because they won't like you and you can lose their trust in you if you happen to lie or do something bad to them or even one of them.

• service

Service? What do you mean by that? Well, I think it is more like you do things for your friends. I do believe that. Now compare with what you usually do for your siblings or parents. I think it is similar.
There are ways to show your love for your family and friends. You help them out on things, eg buying things for them or just helping out on chores. Anyway, my point is that if you yell at your siblings or parents or disobey them, that doesn't mean you don't love your family or siblings. =)

• God - centreness
• interdependence

Friendship is not about making people dependent upon us or about us becoming dependent on other people.
True friendship can only develop and grow when we work together, trust each other, help each other and rely on each other.
With true friends pointing out your weakness or something bad, I don't think you should keep it at heart and decide that he or she is not a good friend. Instead, you should look at yourself first and try to undo your weakness. Yes, you are not perfect and your friends are not perfect but it would help to study yourself first before start blaming on friends. Not all friends give good advice but some particularly do. Some friends are there to listen to you and give you a long big hug when you are down.
I do admit that I don't like my friends to see me crying if there is anything so I tend to go away or be quiet if I see my friends crying. So don't take it to heart, thinking that your friends desert you when you need someone to talk while you're crying.

• willing to let go

Friendship is so important and sometimes there are things that we need to let go in order to let the friendship to last. 1 Samuel 20:42 shows that.

Am I being too straight-forward? Hmm.. this is just my point of view. I will let you have your opinions, I won't judge or be defensive. I am beginning to refer to Bible verses a lot. =)

This is from church camp talks and I summarized it up. Some may be the same from what I said above.

• Friends do point out your mistakes or your differences. But how do you feel from it? Embarrassed or anger? If embarrassed, would you rather strangers telling you those or your friends? If anger, study yourself first before you start blaming your friends. Humans aren't perfect so your friends are there to tell you your differences. Again, would you rather strangers telling you?

I think I prefer my friends to tell me. I rather them laughing at me than strangers or friends whom I don't normally talk to.

• Friends don't just give advices or comfort you, they go through each step with you. They are there to guide you so don't keep them away. Remember that some friends deal with their problems better than you.
  

Finding myself

I wrote this on Wednesday afternoon.

I am so sick of doing my assignment. It is only due on Monday but I really want to get on with it. At the moment, I have nothing else to do except doing this super-hard assignment. I bet there is going to be one assignment next week and it is going to be 20% assignment. Now that I mention about assignments, between my geology and stats paper, only stats has assignments. There are no assignments for geology.

I was reading a friend’s blog about how she was trying to find her place in kiwiland. It is really interesting to know people’s point of view especially they are also from my country. She struggles to speak proper English and speaking the slang here. Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I couldn’t say I belong to Malaysian group because I don’t really know what to talk to them and I cannot speak my mother tongue language properly. I can’t say I belong to kiwi group because I am starting to pick up Malaysian slang and they definitely will not understand what I am talking. I feel like I am being thrown in the middle. I went to the CMSA bbq the other day and oh man.. I feel like an outsider there. Seriously, that is how I felt. I don’t think anything you said will make me feel better. Maybe I am so conscious of what people think of me. Where is my don’t-care-attitude when I need it?

Careful

Have been watching crimes investigation programmes at night this week. Though it is scary but you learn something from it. Some programmes are called Snapped: Why Women Killed, Forensic Detectives, Crimes and Punishment, FBI Files, etc. It's interesting to see how they solved the crimes. Sometimes it wasn't solved. One particular crime that I watched last night was about a student being murdered in her own flat/apartment. Just scared at the thought of being home alone. I think the crime scene was around the student campus accommodation. I think the security at university accommodation nowadays should be quite tight. Oh, I did not mention that the particular crime was in 1983. I recalled an rape incident in my university, Canterbury University in 2006 winter. It was just a day before the university holidays started. That night, one of my close friend was walking towards the flat of another close friend along the uni path. She made sure she was walking along bright light areas so we weren't that worried. She also told us that she saw someone walking in the dark in the gym field area. Then, the next day, we heard on the news that there was a rape incident. My friend was so terrified, it could have been her if she did decided to walk in that dark area. After that, my friends and I made sure that all of us walked her back home together at night. It's scary at the thought of near rape incident of my friend.

Anyway, I was talking about university accommodation security. It think it's quite good at the place I stayed in 2007. There were lights everywhere and there are resident assistants walking around at night. And if I were to walk to uni or anywhere at night, I am sure that any of my friends would accompany me so there wasn't a need to be scared. Hehe.. :P But to all student, just be careful wherever you go. Always take a friend if you think someone is stalking you.

Spock

Have a long lost friend or cousin, etc? Well, spock.com can help you to search them by contributing information and pictures about themselves and others. What is spock.com about? It is a unique new search application where people can be searched by name, email or tag (anything of personal attribute). The search result will let you know how the person can be found or reached by the links to LinkedIn profile, my space page, etc. In a way, Spock can help search people easily in a more efficient way than on google or Yahoo. The site is also good for professional and social purposes. Let's say if you want to find someone or a friend who is an engineer and you have lost contact with any of your engineer friends, Spock is definitely the best search you can use to find them. I typed in engineering into the search box and I found a lot of people on that category. So, as I said before, spock is really a good place to search for engineering people.

I tried searching my own name and guess what? There are at least 4 other people with having the same name as me. It is incredible to know that someone out in the world also share the same name as you. Oh ya, they are all older than me. Maybe I should try to search for a long lost friend of mine whom I haven’t seen since school. It might help me to find the friend.

I included the example of the widget in case any of you want to know how the widget looks like. Join up Spock and you can start searching around for your long lost friend or any of your engineer friends.

Stupid rants

Last night, I was bored till I decide to browse around looking at blogs. I landed in post-buzz and found the blog quite interesting. I like to know people's opinions on earning money online and also those who has done some sponsored posts from payperpost, sponsored reviews, etc. Anyway, I browse around and found out that the blogger is also from Malaysia.

There's quite a lot of bloggers from Malaysia. Not bad, I mean most of the advertisers from paid blogging sites are from United States and I would assume most of the bloggers out there are from there. But really, I don't think I know where most of the bloggers are from. I think the reason I know more Malaysian bloggers is because I am a Malaysian. My blog life probably revolves around my Malaysian friends. Well, most of my Malaysian friends has a blog. Not all my New Zealander friends has a blog. Maybe they did not tell me. Sigh..

Anyway, I used to praise Payperpost of the opportunities they gave me. Apparently, google lowered bloggers' rank and I am one of them, causing me to have less opportunities. Sigh.
But I shouldn't make sponsored posts my main reason to blog. I started this blog because I love to blog about what I did. Actually, this blog of mine wasn't meant to have sponsored posts. I wanted to release my anger in this blog. But I guess things change and in the end, I decided to try giving sponsored posts a try and I decided that I shouldn't post my anger here. I think a few of my friends read this blog. I think one friend read a post which was about her. Well, I don't regret posting it. I really wanted her to know I think of her. I just didn't have the guts to tell her face to face. Now, I don't really know if anyone is reading this blog or not. Not that I care. I got no comments from anyone. I used to have comments from friends but I ignored it. I didn't feel like replying to their comments because I don't want them to pity me. I just wanted to release my anger. Now, I think I won't put up blog posts like that.

Right, I think I should stop, I have written too much. Only when I have something to say and not ran out of ideas to blog.

:(

I don’t understand how some people need to go to the beach to calm their emotion. I used to think like that but now, I know it doesn’t really work. I only like to go to the beach just to get the feeling of being sad and stand there with the wind blowing the hair.

Another thing, sometimes I feel as if I cannot express my feelings here even though I called it my dark side and black blog. I feel as if people criticize me for saying all these stuff because they think I should be happy that I am lucky to have a good life. Well, I don't really know what to say because it is what I usually think. But don't you think that everything has its hard path. This is life. It's not going to be easy. Just because rich people or people who can afford things have a good life, it doesn't necessary mean that they really have a good life.

But I am still glad that I can still express a bit of feelings here. I feel that I cannot say anything on the other blog because I have to maintain reputation. Well, I have no comment for that. It is kind of true if I do mess up what I said, I will end up with no friends and lonely for the rest of my life. I don't really mind that though because I think I am expecting that.

Goodbyes are hard

It is sad to say goodbyes to friends who are leaving to go back to Malaysia for the summer. My tears nearly dropped when we hugged and say goodbyes. Some of them will be seeing each other in Malaysia but I will only see them next year when I come back. So sad.

Fun

3 down, 1 more to go. This afternoon exam? Hmm.. I don't really know how to answer exactly. I wouldn't say it's ok or not ok. It's more like half half. I just hope that it goes ok and not that really bad grades when I get the results. Right after exams, I went with friends for dinner and headed to Warehouse. They bought some stuff. I don't really know if I needed anything. I think I should start packing bit by bit. Anyway, tonight is the Guy Fox's Night. Don't know if it's spelt that way or not. I wanted to go with friends but none of them have a good plan of all of us going together so didn't really go.

Someone remembers me

Guess what? Someone messaged me in facebook saying that she knows me and asked me if I remember her from primary school. I asked her what class was she in and she messaged back that she was in the yellow class. I was in the green class so her name doesn’t ring any bell in my head. I really cannot remember her. Maybe she knows my cousin and that was why she remembers me.

Friendship

I seriously don't really know what is going on with friendships these days. When you're having so much fun, you made promises to each other that you should always try to hang out together if you're so busy. But now, I see. Where? I do not see any.

I seriously don't really know if I should say this or not. But I feel that things does changes a lot this year. I can say that my flatmate and I don't really hang out a lot with friends whom we used to hang out last year. Sigh.. it's such a pity because we did have fun together. I always enjoyed being with my friends especially that I can be a bit childish with these friends.

Now, I think we went separate ways. But it shouldn't be that stupid course changes and other stupid stuff. Where is that friendship forever promise?

One thing I wanted to say, why do I find that when a friend is angry with me and told me the truth and I can accept that. When it comes to me being angry with them, they cannot accept it and choose to ignore me. What kind of friend is this you tell me?

Back to my story, I have tried, tried and tried to make an effort to hang out with them and it's always, sorry, I can't make it. I know it's not always possible to hang out. But.... tell me.

So, is it wrong for me to go look for other new friends and to hang out with them?

Really, I am confused with these stuff. It's complicated and I do not think there are any solutions to these. Sigh.. sometimes I just feel like giving up. No comments please.

Nightmare

I had a dream today, I dreamt that I went on a holiday with my friends somewhere and all of a sudden, I got a call from mum, asking me where am I. As I don't like to lie to mum, I would normally tell the truth (if she doesn't ask, I won't tell, but if she ask, I would have to tell) so I told her that I was at the airport, going on holiday. Then, the voice from the phone said, 'Ok, you're not getting your car.' I panicked and told my friends that mum is not buying a car for me. Aih.. Then, I woke up.
Why in the world did I dream like that? Maybe I was scared as mum told me that if my results aren't good, no car for me. Well, I don't mind not having a car as most of my friends have cars. I figure I could ask for rides and give them money to pay for petrol. That is what I am doing now anyway. I just gave a $10 petrol voucher to a friend yesterday when she came to pick me up for work.
Then, I thought, oh no, I might actually need the car next year because I don't think I can do my assignments at home since I am moving out from university accommodation soon. From where I am staying now, I can connect to university network to the matlab computer rooms to do my assignments just from the comfort of my room. Sigh.. nevermind, the most I can do is just do my work during the day and stay at home at night even if it means that the assignment is due at 5pm the following day. What can I do? I need to use the programmes in uni matlab computer rooms. I don't want to risk walking to uni at night. I mean, it's quite bright when you walking in uni area but I am moving out into a homestay where there's not a lot of light for walking and it takes 25 minutes to walk to my Math & Stat Building. Not the uni itself. I don't need to go to engineering building which is going to be nearer.
Aih.. enough of my crap. There's always going to be some distraction huh. Nevermind, I will just save up my own money to buy a car, don't think it will be in time for next year. It will probably take me few years to collect up for the amount. Then, the car will be for after I graduate. It's only a matter of time anyway.
I will write more about what my friends and relatives opinions' as of the car decision. But I can say now that friends do support the idea of having a car while my relatives said no, you don't need to have a car. I guess you guys will only understand if you are in my situation here.
Maybe the best is stay back in university accommodation.

Hard

I think it is really hard to keep friendship with someone who hardly makes an effort to meet up for catching up. What if you have a very close good friend who you and your friend used to spend a lot of time with, suddenly now seems so far. And also don't really catch up with you and your girlfriends. How would you feel? You would feel guilty and try to catch up with her, right? What if the friend don't make an effort and don't really care? How would you feel? What would you suggest if you got solution for that?

I wanted to say something else as well. I cleaned the kitchen today. Now, it's very clean and I am hoping that it stays clean till end of next week. Stupid flatmates of mine. No one make a move to buy dishwashing liquid. Why the kitchen is so dirty. I think the boys expect us girls to clean it. Well, what I can say here is, we are not your maids. Clean the kitchen yourself. Clean up your own plates and stop using our pans and bowls. My poor bowls. Being used by stranger.

I am hungry

I think I am starting to get sick of asking friends for rides to and back from work. Maybe I should ask different friends instead of asking the same person. And the friend who normally send and pick me up, I think she is feeling annoyed that I always ask her. I can feel the annoyance. Talk about being weird but I can feel people's feelings. I feel that I am desperate to have a car now to drive to work. But I don't want to quit working just because of this. It's a lame excuse and the other staff will be telling me that it is ok and they can send me home. Well, that is one of the reason. I don't want to ask them because they normally stay back later and I don't want. I want to come back, shower and jump into my cosy bed.

I have no mood because of this as well. One thing also is I feel that this friend is annoyed that I don't spend anymore time with her. Well, it's not my fault that you don't ask earlier or book the time. I usually let the first person who ask me to either join them or go with them somewhere. Let me explain again in case you think I explain weirdly. It means that I usually say yes to the first person who 'book' me to do something. If I don't have anything to do on a particular time and a friend, last minute, ask me to do something, I would say yes. Why not.
Sigh.. Now, I realise there is so much to give in a friendship relationship.

Complaint

I just wanted to say something to get it out from my mind.
Anyway, we volunteers were paying for $45 for the ball ticket and others pay $55.
Last minute people who bought the tickets can pay for $40.
There's no choice but to fill the empty seats and I understand that you want to FILL up the EMPTY seats. Yes, I just highlighted EMPTY seats. But these people who bought tickets from me did not listen. I know all that you don't have money but you have to think of other people as well. Now, is that called selfish? GO SELL FISH!!!
It's your fault for creating chaos.
I am just pissed that now we have to pay more than them. They don't even help or volunteer. They bought the tickets earlier, borrowing money from me. Then, all of the sudden, on the last minute, they decide to buy from someone else. Ok, I accept that. But they create even more chaos. I was told that they will be paying $40 instead.
Well, saying sorry won't stop me from getting angry. I have feelings too.
I know you have feelings so? I don't care if you are angry or not. I am sure you will be.
I myself am pissed. PISSED, I am refraining from saying angry. Angry doesn't support very much of my feelings. Right.. I don't even know how to explain this.
Anyway, I label this the dark side which is why I put up this complaint here.
So, no point trying to tell me anything. It's not for you to read if you don't want to listen to my complaint. I suggest you go read the Happy Side if you want to read happy posts.
You should know by now why I put the background as black colour and I did not really mention who I am. It's supposed to be anonymous but I let few close friends to read because I feel that they can tolerate with my complaints.

Unwanted thoughts come out

I realise I watch a lot of movies this year compared to last year. I don't know if it should good or bad. One good thing is that I watch it with friends. My flatmate and I watched it with different friends every time, I should think. It's always nice to go to movies with a big bunch of friends. And you're supposed to socialize as well. Can't just sit at home doing nothing. You will be called anti social.

Now, people here would call you anti-social if you don't mix around. I understand that because I know I do that to people. Going out once in a while with friends doesn't hurt. If you don't hang out with friends, you would be called hermit. Now that is funny. Hermit? The word represents something which always stays inside. Anyway, you are not always young so you should enjoy life to the fullest. You never know when you are called to go to the Lord. There's one time that I was thinking to myself. I heard of so many accidents, eg air crash, car accidents, etc. Whatever you can think of. I told God, I said, 'God, when You called me to go to you, I will go willingly.' I cannot avoid not going to the Lord when He calls me. That means, anything from accidents or anything. I mentioned that I won't commit suicide, it is just not right. I mean, God gave you a life and He wants you to experience it and you throw it away just like that?

Feels Good

The feeling of hanging out with your friends feels good, right? After hanging out with friends, you always feel like you’re close to them. Then, every time the others go anywhere, they will certainly ask you to go along. It is good to catch up and also for fellowship especially when your family is not here with you.