Wah...

Wow.. I just looked at how many posts i post in a month. how it has dropped so much. Hehe.. haven't been blogging much. I do take time to blog about stuff I did though. =)

Exams are coming up so I think I will be on hiatus. Maybe not long hiatus but short. Will update once in a while though. =)

Mian.. I am so stressed with assignments and lab work. Assignment marks is not good and I am scared of the finals though I have confidence. Sigh..

Anyway, back to study.. don't stare at the screen.

I feel like yelling it out

I am not sure how to cheer myself. I felt really down when I came back from Stats class yesterday. This reminds me of what Lily, a friend from church camp talked about. She mentioned in her talk

• she is not smart
• have always struggle with her studies
• pushed herself to work hard and to study Master because she was worried that she could not get a job with her degree in Biochemistry
• Biochemistry studies are general so it is harder to get a job anywhere (I can only remember vaguely what she said because it was more than a week ago)

I thought about myself as well. In my first year, I was really ambitious. I decided to study engineering in the hope that I can graduate as an engineer and prove that I am also smart like my sisters and cousins. Not even halfway through the course, I was already thinking, 'can I really pass all these courses? I am really struggling.' I was also constantly complaining to my parents and they finally confronted me and asked me to change, they don't want me to stress too much.

I was alright with the courses I chose for the following year. When the following year came, I was also struggling hard with studying Maths papers. I know there aren't easy courses in any subject so I tried harder. I didn't want to give up just yet considering what I did the year before. That year, I took Geology papers to see how I did and thought Geology is pretty good subject to study in. Yea, I found it ok so I continued the year after that. I also continued with Statistics as I enjoy it. I always have help from my coursemates/friends. I didn't continue studying Maths because it was too hard for me to handle. I don't want to change my mind every year because I don't think I can afford to, it's wasting money as well. I feel guilty for doing that in the past 2 years. I am already in my third year for Statistics and I really think I should finish it off. (I think I am just releasing stress in this way so don't mind that sentence.)

Anyway, back to feeling down about yesterday Stats class. Lecturer decided to give each individuals chances to answer questions and the most correct will get 5 marks at the end of the course. I know I won't be able to get it. But what I am disappointed was that I got the easy question wrong. How stupid, I was just thinking, can I really complete the course with stupid answers like that? Sigh.. meaning that I would have to work extra hard and be prepared to give CORRECT answers when lecturer ask questions.

Relating back to what Lily talked about herself. I realized that I have similar things to what she said,

• I am not smart
• I always have struggles with studies till now
  
• I pushed myself to do double major in Geology and Statistics because it would benefit me in future careers
  

Honestly, I am still really disappointed with my grades from last year. Why can't I do better? Why does everyone else do better than me? Sometimes, I feel like giving up studying. There's one question I keep asking myself since I started uni. Why can't I study engineering like the rest of my friends? I know not everyone can study engineering but the question kept on lingering in my mind till now.

Stress

My cousin commented that I lost weight in one of my photos. Well, it is really wonderful to hear that. At least I went to the gym for something. I am going to the gym again this afternoon. A friend told me of a class at the gym and this is free. So my flatmate mentioned that we should go. Yea, at least we can use the free classes that they give. Not only am I exercising, I am keeping fit. It is better to keep fit and healthy. I am slowly losing the fat in the tummy too.

I just finished my assignment which is due today. I will be going off to uni in a moment to print it off and hand it in. Then, I will do some readings on R programme and go through my lab notes for a lab test in early April.

My flatmate came to my room just now and was listing out her assessments coming up. I thought she was really busy. I have less assessment but my assessments are worth more though. Actually, I should have taken 5 papers this semester but I didn’t want to make myself too stress. I know I will lose even more hairs if I make myself stress too much. My flatmate is already complaining that she sees a lot of hairs in the bathroom and there are only two of us using that bathroom. And yes, I can see a lot of hairs too.

Stupid rants

This is the starting of my complaints for the year. I think my readers would get sick of my complaints but what am I supposed to do? This blog is like my place to let out feelings.

I just don’t know what to say after coming back from one of my lab. I had a bad time in lab and coming back to paying electricity problem isn’t enough to make my day worse. Well, it is not really a big problem but the landlord keeps on insisting that we, the tenants to open a bank account so everyone will pay their electricity. I mean, why can’t you take the bill and come collect money from us. Ok, so he mentioned that he doesn’t want to intrude our student life but it is his job to collect the payment from us. It’s not like it is every week, is it? Sigh, this is just one of my many complaints starting this year. Next time, I don’t want to flat with strangers. I think I would prefer to rent a house and deal with my flatmates (friends). It is a small problem and he makes it into a big problem.

Rewarding self

Know what? I just realised there are so many good movies coming out. I can't wait to watch them but really, watching them in the cinemas would definitely cost me a lot. But really there are so many. I could have a long list if I do have time to think about it. But my friends and I have decide to watch at least once a month in the cinema. It is also to reward ourselves after a month long of study. Some of us are in third year and some in the second year and study is getting complicated. Timetables are from early mornings till evenings. So, we thought of rewarding ourselves with watching movies. Currently we have planned to watch the old Pride and Prejudice, it is a 6-hour non stop movie. We are planning for a perfect timing as most of us has weird timetables. Some finishes early afternoons and some late afternoons. So all the best to friends!

Essays

I am still studying. Just took a break from writing the essays plots. There are so much to study for my geology paper. I don't know how some people would know everything and answered pretty much what they know for exam. I mean, there are 10 questions given and you are only to answer 5 questions. Anyway, you wouldn't know what kind of essay questions would come out so you have to pretty much study for everything. I would be amazed if someone actually go and memorize the whole information from lecture notes and get even 95% for the final exam. Sigh.. I am so frustrated and scared at the same time for this exam. I want to be able to answer everything and also can choose whichever question I want to answer. I also don't know if I will be able to remember everything I read from lecture notes and lab notes. It's a challenge to memorize them.

Sien-ness

Just finished another exam today. I think this was ok, considering that I know most of the answers. But what I am worried is that I may get marks taken off just because of a small mistake of writing something. It's like that with my assignments as well.

I also wanted to say something. I think sometimes people take for granted that I don't get angry with them or get annoyed with them straight to the face if they said something insulting. I don't mind if it's just a small thing but I think this is why people just continue insulting cos they think that I won't mind so much. But they are so wrong. Maybe I should try to show some emotions.

I find myself stop smiling to friends nowadays. I used to smile at them and try to make conversation every time I see them. Now, I am lazy to open my mouth. Because no one will say anything whenever I say something. I can't be bothered to make any effort since some people don't make an effort for themselves. But won't this make me selfish? Sigh.. whatever I do is wrong and whatever other people do is right. Why can't they be wrong for once, it is always me.

Me me me

That is my title of my blog. Yea, it's always me. Wrong of this and wrong of that. I am stupid. I am lazy. I am selfish. Whatever I do is not right. Whatever comes out from my mouth are stupid. When will I do something right? I am such a useless person to live on Earth.

Stress

Isn't it weird to be studying all the time and yet you are not ready when you walked into the exam room? Sigh.. sometimes when you feel like you are ready for a test or exam and you thought you studied enough or the best you can, when you walked into the exam room and the moment you looked at your exam paper, you panicked and thought, oh no I don't really know how to answer the question(s). You feel that you are too over-confident, then.

Why why why do you always feel like that?

Anyway, the recycle bin is piling up again. But there are no more plastic bags to put rubbish into it. None of them even try to get plastic bags from supermarket when they go for groceries shopping. Sigh.. why why why must depend on girls. If they are not depending on girls, they should at least try to get it for the flats.

Sigh, I should get ready for my next exam, which is in less than 2 hours. Seriously, I don't feel like studying anymore. I am sick of studying. I kept on repeating the practice/exam paper. I just have a feeling that it's not going to be same type of questions from the exams paper. It's going to be hard like my first exam. And I am going to fail it. Aaaah..

Break

A break would be good so a few of friends and I went to watch Rush Hour 3. It was the last day the cinema showed it. Movie was really good. We thought it would be really good to have the whole cinema for us because I think everyone would have watched it by now or they don’t want to watch it at all. It seem like yesterday I just watched the first movie. I think I watched the first one in Kuching. That time, it was only me, mum and dad. Wow, probably more than 6 years ago. Anyway, we didn’t really have the cinema for ourselves. Two people came in last minute but I treated it as if we were the only one. I just laughed loudly. Haha..