I feel like yelling it out

I am not sure how to cheer myself. I felt really down when I came back from Stats class yesterday. This reminds me of what Lily, a friend from church camp talked about. She mentioned in her talk

• she is not smart
• have always struggle with her studies
• pushed herself to work hard and to study Master because she was worried that she could not get a job with her degree in Biochemistry
• Biochemistry studies are general so it is harder to get a job anywhere (I can only remember vaguely what she said because it was more than a week ago)

I thought about myself as well. In my first year, I was really ambitious. I decided to study engineering in the hope that I can graduate as an engineer and prove that I am also smart like my sisters and cousins. Not even halfway through the course, I was already thinking, 'can I really pass all these courses? I am really struggling.' I was also constantly complaining to my parents and they finally confronted me and asked me to change, they don't want me to stress too much.

I was alright with the courses I chose for the following year. When the following year came, I was also struggling hard with studying Maths papers. I know there aren't easy courses in any subject so I tried harder. I didn't want to give up just yet considering what I did the year before. That year, I took Geology papers to see how I did and thought Geology is pretty good subject to study in. Yea, I found it ok so I continued the year after that. I also continued with Statistics as I enjoy it. I always have help from my coursemates/friends. I didn't continue studying Maths because it was too hard for me to handle. I don't want to change my mind every year because I don't think I can afford to, it's wasting money as well. I feel guilty for doing that in the past 2 years. I am already in my third year for Statistics and I really think I should finish it off. (I think I am just releasing stress in this way so don't mind that sentence.)

Anyway, back to feeling down about yesterday Stats class. Lecturer decided to give each individuals chances to answer questions and the most correct will get 5 marks at the end of the course. I know I won't be able to get it. But what I am disappointed was that I got the easy question wrong. How stupid, I was just thinking, can I really complete the course with stupid answers like that? Sigh.. meaning that I would have to work extra hard and be prepared to give CORRECT answers when lecturer ask questions.

Relating back to what Lily talked about herself. I realized that I have similar things to what she said,

• I am not smart
• I always have struggles with studies till now
  
• I pushed myself to do double major in Geology and Statistics because it would benefit me in future careers
  

Honestly, I am still really disappointed with my grades from last year. Why can't I do better? Why does everyone else do better than me? Sometimes, I feel like giving up studying. There's one question I keep asking myself since I started uni. Why can't I study engineering like the rest of my friends? I know not everyone can study engineering but the question kept on lingering in my mind till now.